I’m legitimately just sitting at my computer with the “yes I’m going to commencement” tab open, cuz I still have no idea.
I personally don’t want to go, but I know that everyone expects college kids to go, and I’m having trouble with that. Everyone is saying to me “Why wouldn’t you go! It’s all for you and how great it is that you’ve worked so hard!”
and like…no…but also, I don’t know
My dad just yelled “I SWEAR I’LL CUT OFF WHAT’S LEFT OF YOUR DICK IF YOU FUCKING TOUCH MY COKE DON’T YOU DARE” and I came in the room like what the fuck and it was my dad holding up a shoe and my cat sitting by a glass of coca-cola with his paw almost touching inside of it and both of them didn’t even break eye contact with each other
I’m so done with my life
cadburyminiegg said: how much did you like high school graduation? was it that special? if not, how does college compare?
High school graduation was pretty lame, but at least I had friends there. It was special because here were the same few hundred kids I had grown up with for the last 13 or 14 years (K was in the same building as grades 1-3, and a lot of kids in my town went to the same Pre-K) and we were all finally done together. I don’t have that at college. I maybe have three friends there, two of whom aren’t graduating until the winter, and the only one who is graduating now is also not walking because of similar reasons to why I might not be.
I also had an easier time in high school than I did in college. I had a place there. I was a theater kid, and that came with a set group of people and support. I lost all of that in college and never found a similar set group, at least not in my second school. my first school had that concept of teamwork and collaboration ingrained in it, so making friends there was easy. The second school is so competitive that I don’t understand how people even make friends here.
High school graduation was also maybe…what, two hours? This is going to be at least four? I don’t particularly want to sit in a giant arena for hours with people I have never met celebrating something that has been such a source of contention for so many years.
So I’m having a really difficult time deciding whether or not I’m going to walk in my college graduation.
I’ve been asking people for advice and they all are saying “Do it! It’s such a right of passage! You only get to do it once! It’s such a celebration!”
and all that’s making me want to do is break every mug in my house and get drunk on a bottle of wine.
College has been one of the worst experiences of my life, for almost every reason. It’s aggravated my anxiety and depression to the point of near hospitalization, It’s left me hopeless of ever finding a career, it’s made me see I’m really not as talented as I thought I was and shouldn’t pursue those dreams, and it’s made me angry for wasting so much of my and my family’s money on what I feel is a joke of an education.
I do not feel like celebrating the end of one of my worst experiences at an event sanctioned by the institution that has led to so much darkness in my life, but at the same time I’m worried that I’ll regret not walking in five, ten, twenty years. I need to remember though that walking isn’t going to magically make these last five years everything I wanted. I’m still going to look back and think “Going to school the way I did was one of the biggest mistakes of my life,” and walking in graduation isn’t going to change that.
I don’t know if I’m going to walk in graduation or not, but I need to decide today. I might regret not participating, but I already regret coming at all. Can I just drop out? that would make things so much easier.